NOTHING would ever be the same.
I have a brother. His name is Adam John Walker. Adam was the kind of guy that would give you the shirt off his back. He had a strong moral compass and was a man with integrity.
Unfortunately, he was also the kind of person that always saw the “glass as half empty.” This made life difficult for him because all he really wanted was to be loved and to love someone.
Adam BELIEVED he was ALONE in this world. For over a decade Adam self medicated with addictions. It took a toll on his mind, body and soul.
January 16, 2012 was the worst day of my life. NOTHING would ever be the same. Adam died by suicide. The world as I knew it had stopped.
He expressed suicidal thoughts for over 15 years before that fatal day. He fought a long war. He was strong, but at 35, the drugs convinced him it was his only way out of the pain. A sister’s love was not enough.
Losing someone suicide makes grieving complicated. How does one begin to process this? It’s not the same as if your loved one died in a car accident, or from cancer. I remember very clearly the confusion I felt. It was all I could do just to breathe. The rest of the world around me just kept on going…the sun rose every morning and the birds still chirped, but for me, it was like being frozen in time.
My brother was communicating with me through signs and dreams, but a month before the 3 year mark was approaching, he led to Anthony Quinata, 1300 miles away.
December 20, 2014 my life had changed yet again. The messages I received gave me the peace I so desperately needed. One of the many messages I got in my session with Anthony was that he knows now how much he was loved, and how much we tried to help him, even though he couldn’t see, or feel it, when he was alive. He also let me know that he was okay.
And so my spiritual journey towards my own peace began. There aren’t many choices when it comes to Surviving Suicide. I chose “Acceptance.”
Because of Adam’s death, I have learned so many things. He taught me Unconditional Love never dies; that it is the most powerful emotion we have because it lasts forever. My session with Anthony confirmed for me that my brother is with me still, everyday, watching out for me. I learned that the way I can honor my brother is to continue on my life journey. Adam let me know that he is on it with me, and will never leave me.
I also learned that every single day I wake up to see the sun rising every morning, and hear the birds chirping – that these are gifts from Heaven.
I will never be the same person I was before my brother’s suicide, and I’ve come to accept that. I wish my brother could have found the peace on earth he so desperately wanted, and deserved, while he was still here, but I do know that he is moving towards finding it where he is.
For those of us he left behind, the grief we feel is a very dark, lonely place. I do the best I can to live with this sorrow. Every day I wake up now, knowing he is still with me, that he’s okay where he is, and that I will see him again, does help.
Do I wish I never had to go through any of this? Yes…he is my brother and I love him deeply… in life and in his death; and until the time that we’re together again in Heaven, I will hold him safely in my heart.